skip to main |
skip to sidebar
In my final essay, one of the last lines of the letter to my father read, "God grant both of us the serenity, right?"When times are tough this is part of a prayer my dad and I keep in mind. It's our favorite prayer. You may have heard it before...The Serenity PrayerGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with HimForever in the next.Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr I am strong in, but not obsessed with my faith. I may not always agree with or understand every sermon that is preached, but I still believe in a higher power. Simpley, when I find the time, I feel at peace when I praise God.
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Aimee Joy
Birthday: 8/8/88Birthplace: Seattle, WA
Current Location: Bozeman, MT
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Dark brown
Height: 5' 5"
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: Swedish
The Shoes You Wore Today: flip flops
Your Weakness: food
Your Fears: losing my family is one
Your Perfect Pizza: cheese. i know i'm boring.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Buy myself a car.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: haha
Thoughts First Waking Up: i dont wannaaaaa!
Your Bedtime: depends on what the day brings
Your Most Missed Memory: my sisters
Pepsi or Coke: coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: MacDonalds and their snack wraps!!
Single or Group Dates: for a first date~group
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton (green tea with honey)
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla with berries for ice cream, chocolate any place else
Cappuccino or Coffee: machiatto~i loveeee starbucks!
Do you Smoke: nope~its hard on the ol lungs
Do you Swear: yep
Do you Sing: oh god yes!
Do you Shower Daily: daily
Have you Been in Love: am right now
Do you want to go to College: we here!!
Do you want to get Married: of course
Do you belive in yourself: when it all comes down to it, yes.Do you get Motion Sickness: when my step mom's behind the wheel
Do you think you are Attractive: depends
Are you a Health Freak: not really
Do you get along with your Parents: yep!~they're my buddies.Do you like Thunderstorms: they're fun to watch, for sure
Do you play an Instrument: i play a few tunes on the piano and clarinet
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: yeaIn the past month have you Smoked: nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: yes!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: its an addiction i have
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: i wish i could say i've eaten some california rolls.In the past month have you been on Stage: nope
In the past month have you been Dumped: nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: yes. it's all for experience right?
Ever been called a Tease: hmmm
Ever been Beaten up: by my older brother
How do you want to Die: with a life well lived and a family well loved
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: still deciding i guess...
What country would you most like to Visit: Italy
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: blue or light green
Favourite Hair Color: generally, i go for brown haired boys
Short or Long Hair: doesnt matter, unless it's too long
Height: a few inches taller than me is fine
Weight: whatever looks good
Best Clothing Style: anything put together well
Number of CDs I own: hardly any... i just listen to the radio.
Number of Piercings: 6
Number of Tattoos: 1
Number of things in my Past I Regret: several.
What a Warrior is…
A warrior is strength. Strength is a broad definition because it comes in many forms. It hides in the shadows of one’s secrets, it boisterously enters a room screaming its own name, it stifles and comforts weakness. How are you strong? My strength lies in my ability to love unconditionally, to love when hope is misplaced, to love those dear to me and myself. This is a strength many people cannot find in life. Thus, I am lucky.
Through love I know myself and recognize my feelings. With confidence I am able to voice my opinion and find exactly where I stand. In times when emotion seems to collapse my knees from under me, it doesn’t take long for me to find stability again. This is where my strength shines. Meet my strength in a letter I wrote to my father…
Dear Dad,
These are the things I couldn't say in our phone conversation because I was hurting too much to voice them. It's long...
Firstly, several people have not chosen their major in college yet. This is typical of freshman in college. I do not feel this is something to be ashamed in myself about as you apparently do.
Our family is not typical. Several things about it get me more down and out than you'd like to notice. This provided many emotional difficulties for me both this and last semester.
I apologize for failing you so badly last semester by dropping two classes. You do not get mad and get over it. Please don't rub salt in the wounds I've created for myself and beat myself up for every day.
If you’re concerned about the cost I see it as essentially, a waste of my own money. My understanding is you pay for the first two years of my college and one third of my fourth. After this point I will have to pay for any extra college myself. If that entails making up classes I failed to exceed in earlier on, it's my own fault and I will suffer the consequences. I will pay back those classes by having to pay for them again myself.
I appreciate you very much for paying for my college!! You don't have to believe that. Like I said before, if it is such an inconvenience for you and if you wish to continue to lay guilt trips on me about how Mom took so much money from you I will make it work to pay for my college myself. You don't have to believe that either.
I did not want Mom to take that money from you. You don't have to believe that. I don't know what she's been doing with the money. Hopefully, she's saving it to pay for the year of college she agreed to.
In having the same discussion about the legal battle between you and Mom that we've had many times before you laid a guilt trip that hurt almost more than anything. About a year ago you had said something along the lines that essentially its MY fault that Mom took you to court for living with her my senior year. This is a burn you had already laid on me AND apologized for previously. Don't apologize to me for something if it's not sincere. I'd much rather know how you really feel than be lied to.
It is NOT my fault Mom took that money from you. It is NOT my fault Mom took you to court. It is NOT my fault you are divorced. It is NOT my fault my life has constantly had to be a choice; you or the other depending on what I thought was most convenient for my stability at a particular time. It IS okay that I chose to live with Mom my senior year. It IS okay that that was my decision to make the most enjoyable senior year for myself, to graduate with some people I knew, not strangers.
I've had to protect my heart between you and Mom's trials and tribulations more than you will ever know Dad. While you've had some extremely tough times in your life, so have I. I've had to bounce back and fourth between homes that were broken in their own ways. I've HAD to choose one or the other and upset people in order to keep myself sane. Life is always changing. I believe in its changes I have done an efficient job, or the best I can, to keep good relations with all members of my immediate family.
While you may say I bounce back and forth between houses for the convenience of personal gain, I disagree. I believe I bounced back and forth for the same reasons you did Dad, to try and keep yourself and your family relations balanced. Some years you spent more time in Sidney, this broke my heart. Sometimes, I spent more time with you one year and Mom the next, this broke your heart. These are sacrifices we had to take while enduring our tragic, beautiful lifestyle. We understand this bit better than any other of the family members.
As you will never admit and will forever deny, it is reasonable at times for me to compare you to Mom and Mom to you. You are both my parents. For example, you are both alike in that many times you both still view me as your little girl. While I still depend on you for a lot, at some point you have to let me stand on my own two feet with a big financial decision as I wish to with this car. I plan on saving money for other things, but for now my first financial priority is buying myself a car; something I can take pride in and call 100% my own or my first big investment. Why I'm getting no support for this I don't understand.
I compare myself to Anneli in that we are both your daughters. To buy her a car, you proposed ultimatums; if she stuck to basketball and researched insurance. Before any of this child support/ legal business, I stuck to soccer and swimming, and would've been more than willing to research insurance. Sometimes, I feel as though because Anneli and Abby play basketball they get special treatment in relation to that. We all know how much you love the game. Several times, you have offered them potential rewards for sticking with basketball. Remind me, if I'm forgetting, any offered reward (as significant as a new car, when Anneli already has one) for being in soccer for twelve years, making it onto my high school swim team for two years, and my high school gymnastics team for one year. The fact that we were not BOTH presented with ultimatums IS unfair, as we are both your daughters and as the legal issues with Mom are, once again, NOT my fault. They are a product of almost any divorce.
Let's not forget the family financial issues spawn from MANY other past events, not just the legal issue with Mom, as significant as it is. "We could have been millionaires...,” you said, and most of this would've been avoided. None of my siblings were punished for avoidable financial fall backs within the family. Why should I be?
Ever since the family moved to Vashon and I went to college I feel as though I've been put on the back burner. I know we've discussed this before. I'm envious you are now able and make the effort to make it to so many of the girl's basketball games when I recall you being at ten of my soccer games in my life, if that. You probably went to one of my Inglemoor swim meets and weren't able to attend my only gymnastics meet for Inglemoor. I understand this was because we lived in two states and were constantly adjusting to being a separated family, but I can't help the fact that this still hurts.
I have your support financially; however, I'd much rather have it emotionally. I feel this is absent in our relationship lately. I know we've talked about this as well. When it comes to anything concerning how well I'm doing in school, it seems you are hesitant to congratulate me on even minor accomplishments and any mistake I make shadows an automatic financial issue. This puts the financial burden on me.
On an almost final note, I don't appreciate you making comments like, "If you save a dime this summer, which I doubt you will." It degrades me and assures me you have no faith in my independence. You having no faith in me at times breaks my heart, Dad as it breaks yours when I have no faith in you.
Isn't it a family's job to criticize or even insult one another? Further example: "It's OUR Christmas too, Aimee." I still can't explain how much that hurts. Unknowingly or not, it does segregate me as the step child. We should all do a better job of thinking before we speak. BOTH of us don't get mad or hurt and exactly get over it.
I've made a very conscious effort of thanking you more for all you do for me, whether you've noticed it or not. I am NOT selfish or spoiled. I AM grateful for everything I have. Just because I choose to voice my opinions or concerns does not change either of these things. You have not taught your children to sit back and keep their mouths shut when they feel passionate about something, certainly not between family. We are supposed to be honest with one another. Honesty to myself that I forward to you is not meant to be interpreted as disrespect to you Dad, as easy a misinterpretation as that is.
We are who we are. We're so alike in some ways and so different in others. In the ways we are alike, we butt heads more than in any other relationship in my life. Through my faults, I wish you would respect my opinion more, as I respect yours through your faults. I'm begging you to view my opinions in equal significance to that of Joyce and the kids'. They are one unit living a life together on a daily basis with you. Just because you are not here to see my struggles first hand and I am not there to see yours doesn't mean they don't exist. It doesn't mean I don't exist. It is much easier to argue a point when you have someone on your side, as Joyce and the kids do, however I don't. Please, remember I'm over here alone. I'm not asking to be bottle fed. I'm asking to matter to you anymore.
Don't view me as a failure. Don't view me as an inconvenience. I am your daughter. Inconvenience or daughter? There's a fine line between what to define any child as.
As my father, I am truly in love with you, Dad. Even when times are hard between us, I am my Daddy's girl.
I hope you read this with respect and love for me as your daughter. I hope you read this with an open, accepting mind to my opinions and emotions. That's all I can hope.
I love you forever and always.
God grant both of us the serenity right?
Your Aimee Joy.
Families all have their unique struggles. As far as my family’s struggles go, I think we’ve managed to hit every end of the spectrum. Within us we’ve had drug problems, tragic death, legal battles, arrest and irreconcilable debt. Our personal issues have been published on front pages of news papers and through it all, we’ve been a separated family.
Being a separated family was probably the hardest attribute to deal with. At times, when we needed a shoulder to cry on all we had was a phone to cry into. Without each other we’ve managed to stay with each other; we’ve maintained good relationships with on another. We love each other unconditionally.
While I don’t remember my parent’s divorce, I remember everything it has brought me in life. It has brought hardship, heartache, countless brawls, division, disagreement, and seemingly endless rivers of tears. What is more significant in life than our strife? Love. The divorce gave me three more siblings. The divorce gave me the best step mom a girl could ask for. The divorce gave me experience. The divorce gave me maturity and selflessness. The divorce gave me more love and life than I am sure I ever bargained for.
For the tremendous gifts I’ve gained. I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I know myself. I am strong in self and in family, for now. At times, when new challenges arise I may feel lost. When these times come, I have faith in my potential and faith in inevitable change. Optimistic prospect always lies just beyond that next door and beyond struggle lies strength to be gained. Thus, we’re all lucky.
Please don't continue reading if you do not enjoy the occasional horror flick or are easily unsettled...
The other night I had a horrible dream...
My father was murdered while staying in a mansion hotel for business. My gut told me it had been the act of a serial killer. My mother and I were called upon to view the damage, per say. When we got there it was late at night. The hotel manager lead us into my fathers room where his body was dismembered and hung tangled from a ceiling high four poster bed.
Flash...
For some reason my mom and I had three cars with us. To make sure we were not caught by the serial killer we checked to make sure none of the lights were on in the cars and we had all the keys. It was raining when we went outside to do this; your typical horror film plot.
Flash...
On the roof of the hotel, at the skylight above my father's four poster bed, a man is peering in. With a flat hand he hits the skylight once.
Flash...
I'm inside the hotel room alone. Directly after the man hit the skylight, tons of money fell from the ceiling as though resting on the skylight on the roof then suddenly falling on the inside.
Flash...
the money is gone.
Flash...
Later, which felt like the same night and the next day, when Hotel staff and forensics had cleaned up my dad's body my mother and I viewed the hotel room once more. Again, we were accompanied by the hotel manager. There were blood stains still on the sheets.
I woke up sickened.
This, in summation is the entirety of my dream. It was very unsettling and aweful. I never have dreams like this!!
I've had one other dream before where my father died when I was probably twelve years old. However, instead of being heartbreaking, gruesome, and unsettling, it was deep, sorrowful, and peaceful.
I entered into a white decorated room. It also had a four poster bed. There were red rose petals sprinkled across the bedding. This was supposed to be my father's room when he was alive. The room was musty and light reflected off of dust in the air. I walked to the bed side and my father's spirit appeared. He was there to say goodbye and that he loved me. I cried...I woke up crying.
Why did I have these dreams about my father dieing?
He is so important in my life, I love him so much. These dreams reflect one of my worst fears. I hate them.
In Waking Life, at the beginning of the film, the little girl with the fortune teller stated, "dream is destiny." I suppose it is everyone's destiny to die, but to see my father's death so blatantly displayed in a dream is not on my agenda.
I found out the next day when telling my mom about my dream that she had had a horrible dream too. She was with her two children, who didn't look like my brother or I, and they found a dismembered body in the bathtub. When trying to shove it into a plastic bag her son somehow accidentally ended up in the bag temporarily with the body.
My mom has not watched a horror movie in years!!
She has never had a dream that aweful!!
We had it on the same night and both woke up from them at five o'clock in the morning!!
What do connections like this mean?
I hear of books that tell you what your dreams mean. I wonder what they would say about what my mom and I experienced?
Some of my family members close friends compare my singing voice to that of Norah Jones. I take this as a HUGEEE complement because for many years now she's been one of my favorite artists. Here's one of her songs that hits close to home with me...
"In The Morning"
I can't stop myself from callin'
Callin' out your name
I can't stop myself from fallin'
Fallin' back again
In the mornin'
Baby in the afternoon
Dark like the shady corners
Inside a violin
Hot like to burn my lips
I know I can't win
In the mornin'
Baby in the afternoon
I tried to quit you but I'm too weak
Wakin' up without you I can hardly speak at all
My girlfriend tried to help me
To get you off my mind
She tried a little tea and sympathy
To get me to unwind
In the mornin'
Baby in the afternoon
Funny how my favorite shirt
Smells more like you than me
Bitter traces left behind
Stains no one can see
In the mornin'
Baby in the afternoon
You're gonna put me in an early grave
I know I'm your slave whenever you call
I can't stop myself from callin'
Callin' out your name
I can't stop myself from fallin'
Fallin' back again
Fallin' back again
Fallin' back again
Fallin' back again
Fallin' back again
Here’s a video of it…
Norah Jones performing with the Handsome Band.
Some of my other favorite artists include...
souls of mischief, green day, chemical brothers, coldplay, le tigre, the postal service, telepopmusik, incubus, darude, sex pistols, gorillaz, dave matthews, led zepplin, lynyrd skynyrd, Jimi Hendrix, doobie brothers, eagles, the doors, bob marley, norah jones, bad religion, black sabbath, AC/DC, beastie boys, nirvana, bone thugz, my chemical romance, foo fighters, mudvayne, slipknot, guns n' roses, chevelle, staind, aretha franklin, shinedown, seether, crossfade, brooke valentine, mike jones, ciara, the temptations, s.o.a.d., audioslave, tenacious d, whitesnake, warrant, deana carter, etta james, snoop dogg, godsmack, disturbed, korn, chaka khan, earth wind and fire, deirks bentley, keith urban, shania's old songs, faith hill, tim mcgraw, rascal flatts, miranda lambert, etc.
profanity...
versus art...
The first example of what is technically defined as "graffiti" is my idea of profanity. It is meant to exploit, offend, and degrade. However, for someone to define arts such as the second and third examples as profanity are, in my opinion, dillusional. While it is vandalism, thus can be classified as disrespectful, it is so beautiful and takes such talent that I feel it should be displayed. The question is, if graffiti artists were alloted designated space to resurrect their masterpieces would the appeal be lost? Some may act simply to be illegal. Personally, I find the legal loophole to be a good compromise between the artists and the objectors. At least, in some cases, this art would survive and offense would be avoided.
