Final Essay

What a Warrior is…

A warrior is strength. Strength is a broad definition because it comes in many forms. It hides in the shadows of one’s secrets, it boisterously enters a room screaming its own name, it stifles and comforts weakness. How are you strong? My strength lies in my ability to love unconditionally, to love when hope is misplaced, to love those dear to me and myself. This is a strength many people cannot find in life. Thus, I am lucky.
Through love I know myself and recognize my feelings. With confidence I am able to voice my opinion and find exactly where I stand. In times when emotion seems to collapse my knees from under me, it doesn’t take long for me to find stability again. This is where my strength shines. Meet my strength in a letter I wrote to my father…

Dear Dad,

These are the things I couldn't say in our phone conversation because I was hurting too much to voice them. It's long...

Firstly, several people have not chosen their major in college yet. This is typical of freshman in college. I do not feel this is something to be ashamed in myself about as you apparently do.

Our family is not typical. Several things about it get me more down and out than you'd like to notice. This provided many emotional difficulties for me both this and last semester.

I apologize for failing you so badly last semester by dropping two classes. You do not get mad and get over it. Please don't rub salt in the wounds I've created for myself and beat myself up for every day.

If you’re concerned about the cost I see it as essentially, a waste of my own money. My understanding is you pay for the first two years of my college and one third of my fourth. After this point I will have to pay for any extra college myself. If that entails making up classes I failed to exceed in earlier on, it's my own fault and I will suffer the consequences. I will pay back those classes by having to pay for them again myself.

I appreciate you very much for paying for my college!! You don't have to believe that. Like I said before, if it is such an inconvenience for you and if you wish to continue to lay guilt trips on me about how Mom took so much money from you I will make it work to pay for my college myself. You don't have to believe that either.

I did not want Mom to take that money from you. You don't have to believe that. I don't know what she's been doing with the money. Hopefully, she's saving it to pay for the year of college she agreed to.

In having the same discussion about the legal battle between you and Mom that we've had many times before you laid a guilt trip that hurt almost more than anything. About a year ago you had said something along the lines that essentially its MY fault that Mom took you to court for living with her my senior year. This is a burn you had already laid on me AND apologized for previously. Don't apologize to me for something if it's not sincere. I'd much rather know how you really feel than be lied to.

It is NOT my fault Mom took that money from you. It is NOT my fault Mom took you to court. It is NOT my fault you are divorced. It is NOT my fault my life has constantly had to be a choice; you or the other depending on what I thought was most convenient for my stability at a particular time. It IS okay that I chose to live with Mom my senior year. It IS okay that that was my decision to make the most enjoyable senior year for myself, to graduate with some people I knew, not strangers.

I've had to protect my heart between you and Mom's trials and tribulations more than you will ever know Dad. While you've had some extremely tough times in your life, so have I. I've had to bounce back and fourth between homes that were broken in their own ways. I've HAD to choose one or the other and upset people in order to keep myself sane. Life is always changing. I believe in its changes I have done an efficient job, or the best I can, to keep good relations with all members of my immediate family.

While you may say I bounce back and forth between houses for the convenience of personal gain, I disagree. I believe I bounced back and forth for the same reasons you did Dad, to try and keep yourself and your family relations balanced. Some years you spent more time in Sidney, this broke my heart. Sometimes, I spent more time with you one year and Mom the next, this broke your heart. These are sacrifices we had to take while enduring our tragic, beautiful lifestyle. We understand this bit better than any other of the family members.

As you will never admit and will forever deny, it is reasonable at times for me to compare you to Mom and Mom to you. You are both my parents. For example, you are both alike in that many times you both still view me as your little girl. While I still depend on you for a lot, at some point you have to let me stand on my own two feet with a big financial decision as I wish to with this car. I plan on saving money for other things, but for now my first financial priority is buying myself a car; something I can take pride in and call 100% my own or my first big investment. Why I'm getting no support for this I don't understand.

I compare myself to Anneli in that we are both your daughters. To buy her a car, you proposed ultimatums; if she stuck to basketball and researched insurance. Before any of this child support/ legal business, I stuck to soccer and swimming, and would've been more than willing to research insurance. Sometimes, I feel as though because Anneli and Abby play basketball they get special treatment in relation to that. We all know how much you love the game. Several times, you have offered them potential rewards for sticking with basketball. Remind me, if I'm forgetting, any offered reward (as significant as a new car, when Anneli already has one) for being in soccer for twelve years, making it onto my high school swim team for two years, and my high school gymnastics team for one year. The fact that we were not BOTH presented with ultimatums IS unfair, as we are both your daughters and as the legal issues with Mom are, once again, NOT my fault. They are a product of almost any divorce.

Let's not forget the family financial issues spawn from MANY other past events, not just the legal issue with Mom, as significant as it is. "We could have been millionaires...,” you said, and most of this would've been avoided. None of my siblings were punished for avoidable financial fall backs within the family. Why should I be?

Ever since the family moved to Vashon and I went to college I feel as though I've been put on the back burner. I know we've discussed this before. I'm envious you are now able and make the effort to make it to so many of the girl's basketball games when I recall you being at ten of my soccer games in my life, if that. You probably went to one of my Inglemoor swim meets and weren't able to attend my only gymnastics meet for Inglemoor. I understand this was because we lived in two states and were constantly adjusting to being a separated family, but I can't help the fact that this still hurts.

I have your support financially; however, I'd much rather have it emotionally. I feel this is absent in our relationship lately. I know we've talked about this as well. When it comes to anything concerning how well I'm doing in school, it seems you are hesitant to congratulate me on even minor accomplishments and any mistake I make shadows an automatic financial issue. This puts the financial burden on me.

On an almost final note, I don't appreciate you making comments like, "If you save a dime this summer, which I doubt you will." It degrades me and assures me you have no faith in my independence. You having no faith in me at times breaks my heart, Dad as it breaks yours when I have no faith in you.

Isn't it a family's job to criticize or even insult one another? Further example: "It's OUR Christmas too, Aimee." I still can't explain how much that hurts. Unknowingly or not, it does segregate me as the step child. We should all do a better job of thinking before we speak. BOTH of us don't get mad or hurt and exactly get over it.

I've made a very conscious effort of thanking you more for all you do for me, whether you've noticed it or not. I am NOT selfish or spoiled. I AM grateful for everything I have. Just because I choose to voice my opinions or concerns does not change either of these things. You have not taught your children to sit back and keep their mouths shut when they feel passionate about something, certainly not between family. We are supposed to be honest with one another. Honesty to myself that I forward to you is not meant to be interpreted as disrespect to you Dad, as easy a misinterpretation as that is.

We are who we are. We're so alike in some ways and so different in others. In the ways we are alike, we butt heads more than in any other relationship in my life. Through my faults, I wish you would respect my opinion more, as I respect yours through your faults. I'm begging you to view my opinions in equal significance to that of Joyce and the kids'. They are one unit living a life together on a daily basis with you. Just because you are not here to see my struggles first hand and I am not there to see yours doesn't mean they don't exist. It doesn't mean I don't exist. It is much easier to argue a point when you have someone on your side, as Joyce and the kids do, however I don't. Please, remember I'm over here alone. I'm not asking to be bottle fed. I'm asking to matter to you anymore.

Don't view me as a failure. Don't view me as an inconvenience. I am your daughter. Inconvenience or daughter? There's a fine line between what to define any child as.

As my father, I am truly in love with you, Dad. Even when times are hard between us, I am my Daddy's girl.

I hope you read this with respect and love for me as your daughter. I hope you read this with an open, accepting mind to my opinions and emotions. That's all I can hope.

I love you forever and always.
God grant both of us the serenity right?

Your Aimee Joy.

Families all have their unique struggles. As far as my family’s struggles go, I think we’ve managed to hit every end of the spectrum. Within us we’ve had drug problems, tragic death, legal battles, arrest and irreconcilable debt. Our personal issues have been published on front pages of news papers and through it all, we’ve been a separated family.
Being a separated family was probably the hardest attribute to deal with. At times, when we needed a shoulder to cry on all we had was a phone to cry into. Without each other we’ve managed to stay with each other; we’ve maintained good relationships with on another. We love each other unconditionally.
While I don’t remember my parent’s divorce, I remember everything it has brought me in life. It has brought hardship, heartache, countless brawls, division, disagreement, and seemingly endless rivers of tears. What is more significant in life than our strife? Love. The divorce gave me three more siblings. The divorce gave me the best step mom a girl could ask for. The divorce gave me experience. The divorce gave me maturity and selflessness. The divorce gave me more love and life than I am sure I ever bargained for.
For the tremendous gifts I’ve gained. I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I know myself. I am strong in self and in family, for now. At times, when new challenges arise I may feel lost. When these times come, I have faith in my potential and faith in inevitable change. Optimistic prospect always lies just beyond that next door and beyond struggle lies strength to be gained. Thus, we’re all lucky.